Ambrosia

Tonight Belle signed "eating" when she wanted  to smell the solid perfume on the dresser.  I indulged her because she loves perfume all of a sudden.  Belle especially loves this perfume, as evidenced by the hole left behind in the wax by her tiny finger.  She quickly pulled off the top, inhaled and then stuck it under my nose to enjoy.  Belle said "Mmm" many, many times.  Then she painted us both with perfume.  I had both breasts adoringly dotted with "Ambrosia."  Even my toes were rubbed with perfume.

House guest

Belle and I are exhausted from hosting an overnight house guest and spending two afternoons at a street fair.  I have always been slack with housework, having grown up in an extremely disorganized home.  Four evenings cleaning around a toddler weren't enough to prepare for this visit.  With a grimy kitchen (and an open floor plan!), I entertained a girl friend regardless of all the work I didn't get done.

Belle did as well as any toddler would in large crowds without much down time.  We took five meals out, including coffee, ice cream and a pancake breakfast at the fire station.  Belle wouldn't occupy a high chair or a booster seat.  She awkwardly reached for beer, margaritas, salsa and everything on the table not meant for her consumption.  I finally just gave up and gave her my ice cream.

We had a nice visit nonetheless.  Interestingly enough, we got the vibe that some folks assumed we were a lesbian couple and child, particularly at the fire station.  That's a more favorable light than what I usually get.  People see a black woman alone with a baby around here and judge it as a social ill.  I liked being accepted as someone with a child in a marriage, even if just another assumption.

Pippi

Today I found a used copy of Pippi Longstocking at a community boutique.  That's the last film I remember watching with my mother before our lives changed forever.  I believe a healing is taking place now.  This book is a reminder.

Busy bee

Today I have taken two baths, eaten every meal, had both tea, coffee and wine, made a rice dish, changed twelve light bulbs, built an altar, revered the ancestor, assigned and reviewed my client's homework, networked at a mixer and cared for, loved and nursed Belle.  I know what needs to happen with the chores and have little idea how to handle it with a toddler.  I suppose I could scrub the toilets now but I would much rather prepare something further for my career coaching client.

Career

I am up late designing a career coaching plan for a client.

My old man

My father's birthday fell on a Full Moon this year, during which we had a power outage.  I adorned myself in moonstone jewelry, bundled up my toddler and walked us down to a cafe to wait out the power outage.  My toddler fell instantly in love with a coin fountain at this cafe.  She wet her hands with the running water and splashed her hands and face.  She inspired me to reach into my coin purse and make a wish.  I felt urged to use a quarter, the largest coin in my wallet.  Sorting through the quarters, I found one representing Hawaii.  I immediately began appealing to goddess Pele to banish all negativity so good can manifest.  Then I remembered that, on my father's birthday, with Hawaii's quarter in my hand, my father had once lived in Hawaii.  My appeal to Pele soon turned to an appeal to my deceased father, a man who'd died nearly thirty-two years prior of a self-inflicted gun shot to the head.

I asked my father to give me back as an adult what he'd taken from me as a child:  the security of a stable, two parent household.  It was my father who, in 1981, had shot my mother to death before turning the gun on himself with me, age five, hiding in the house.  I tossed the quarter under running water in the fountain.  Hours later, with the power back on, I constructed an ancestor altar in the wealth corner of my home.  I included the family portrait of my parents and I that I'd left on display inside our church during All Soul's Day 2012, my father's Hawaiian license plates, his driver's license, a glass of water and a personal check from my parents' long closed joint checking account. I dated the check with my father's birthday 2013 and made the check out to myself.  I wrote out all the things I intend to make manifest for myself and my toddler.  I asked my father to move mountains for the sake of me, his daughter, my toddler, his granddaughter and any future children  I may have (and the generations coming!).  I placed bloodstone, a well fed lodestone and pyrite on top of the check, along with a brass penis on a key chain someone gave me years ago.  I also placed a large affirmation on orange paper behind the family picture and the check.  I said, "Old man, you are working for me."

My father came to me in a dream more than a decade ago.  We were traveling in his car somewhere in a desert.  The inside of his car held a shrine to my mother, whom he'd loved deeply.  He apologized for his actions that destroyed our family and left me to mourn.  I have never seen my father again.  I believe I have communicated with him through two mediums I met through internet radio these past couple years.  I would imagine he would have wanted to give me the moon had he been able.  I officially forgive him.  In fact, I want to work with him and call on him as needed.  He doesn't need to wander out there alone anymore.

Father Full Moon

Today is my father's birthday.  Today is also a Full Moon.  Today I asked my father to give me back in adulthood everything he took from me in childhood.  I made an offer of an Hawaiian quarter (My father lived in Hawaii for a while years before he met my mom.) under running water.  I stated the negatives I want released and the positives I intend to manifest.  I was denied the security of a loving, stable two parent household as a child.  I fully intend to create and maintain this for Belle.  My father should move mountains for me and for Belle.  Let's see what happens.

Spark

Belle continued her mastery of sliding from great heights with two park trips on Saturday.  I felt less than enthusiastic.  I really wanted to sit down at home, blogging, business planning and listening to podcasts.  Belle would only sit down inside long enough to waste good food by smearing it onto herself.  We had to stay upright and outside.  To intensify matters, Belle shocked me each time she slid into my arms.  I felt so uncomfortable.  Meanwhile, Belle appeared to have the time of her life, climbing, sliding and even swinging from monkey bars with my help.  We only made it home after I organized a group of children on bikes to escort us part of the way.  Belle might still be in the park otherwise.

Tricycle

Belle doesn't know her legs aren't long enough to commandeer a tricycle.  This didn't stop her from sitting (or standing!) on all three.  Belle has three tricycles we have rescued from these streets, all in need of cleaning and/or repair.  I ended up pushing Belle on the tricycle with a damaged front wheel with a handle made for parents, siblings or caregivers to push.  I pushed Belle to the park, angling the tricycle backwards on its functioning back wheels.  Belle looked pleased and proud, like a big kid.  Belle soon abandoned her tricycle for the playground, where she has only recently mastered the slides.  Belle repeatedly climbed to the mouth of the highest slide and took many gleeful rides down.  Later on, I used the sturdy plastic seat of Belle's tricycle as a ladder to reach blackberries growing high behind a fence in the park.  Belle grabbed the backs of my legs to support me, unaware she'd be the first to go if I fell.  We must have looked so absurd in the brief moment.

Healthy Toddler

I am very pleased with Belle for eating whole sweet peas and a couple spoonfuls of corn and sweet potato puree before devouring her crumbly coffee cake.  She even let me brush her teeth willingly, without tears or wrestling.  I consider the vegetables and the oral hygiene significant indicators of progress, trust, etc.

Shortbread

Belle and I ate an entire bag of Trader Joe's shortbread biscuits and two jars of corn and sweet potato puree for dinner.  I had wanted rice with eggs and sauteed zucchini until Belle spied the biscuits and cried.  I obliged her because childhood is only a short season.  Why not savor an extra piece of shortbread for dinner that your child really wants to share with you while sitting on your lap?

reclaiming

I have always wanted a successful therapy practice and writing career.  I remember outlining this in purple ink on college ruled paper back in high school.  No one ever took me seriously because I had so many other things to do. I have taken care of all of those people and things.  Now I want my successful hypnotherapy and life coaching practice and whatever writing I can tie to it.  I also want to write books for children.

Bewitching

I took a magical bath in warm water, whole naval oranges and fresh mint on the eve of my birth.  I anointed myself with oils, wore moonstone and a pink dress to Concerts at The Cove.  I raised some feminine energy by dancing to a live band and using the hula hoop in nature.  I also strangely managed to get cinnamon gum stuck between the skirt of the pink dress and the knickers I wore underneath it (How does that happen?).  All the awkward tugging tore tiny holes in the fabric of the dress.  I ended up freezing the knickers in an effort to scrape off the mysterious wad of chewing gum.  The dress I once loved is likely ruined.  I imagined I looked great in it regardless.  I sure felt confident and free before I discovered chewing gum on my ass.

Thirty-seven

I am officially thirty-seven.  Belle and I celebrated my birthday obtaining foods as organically grown as possible.  We skipped the sugary store bought cake in favor of homemade brownies, milk chocolate covered biscuits and peach cobbler.  We also went wine tasting (I drank!), hula hooping (in public!) and dancing to live bands (a delicious cover of "When The Levee Breaks").  We celebrated a friend's contribution to an art exhibit and a neighbor's new yoga studio.  Then Belle climbed atop a table at a restaurant and yelled with glee in a public space.

Belle wouldn't touch me for about ninety minutes, long enough for me to get a henna tattoo and an engorged breast.  She climbed from mom to mom, totally unlike her.  I let others look after her since she seemed so connected to her environment.  I couldn't get past the wild screaming of celebration, delight and joy.  Others may have mistaken it for being disruptive, which is something I wanted to connect to my own mother about, especially on the anniversary of my birth.  Without anything to compare it to, I feared it would always be like this, with Belle screaming and standing on tables in public. Belle came to life on my birthday and stayed in very rare form.

I hit a wall at the end of my birthday, figuratively speaking.  With Belle asleep in my arms, I really felt the urge to connect with anyone lucid connected to my parents.  That didn't seem possible.  My Facebook quickly flooded with current events, including the verdict of a major murder trial, the death of an actor and a stunning victory for a star athlete.  I couldn't reach out to anyone in the way I felt I needed to.  I eventually turned my attention toward sports radio and away from my shrinking phone tree.  There is damn good reason why I am in this moment alone with Belle now.  I just don't know what that reason is.

Worth

I am a black woman with a baby and without a man.  This does not mean I am not savvy or not sophisticated.  I had Belle at thirty-five, not fifteen.  The life I had before Belle included a Catholic upbringing, a twelve year Catholic school education, a university degree, an inheritance, a trip to Europe, a very brief acting career, professional certificates, property management and a move.  I have led a rich and varied life.  It saddens me when people make assumptions based on looks and profiles.  It should not surprise anyone that I went farther than high school.  Eyes should not glaze over when I introduce myself as a hypnotherapist.  Unfortunately, I live in a world where I am seen as the maid or a resident of a program in my own home.  I could not possibly be who I say I am because I am a black woman with a baby and without a man, and yet I am.

Party girl

Belle stayed awake until midnight, dancing and trying to slip into my clothes.

Birthday plans

My birthday is taking shape.  I am looking forward to making groceries by mid morning, attending an opening reception for an exhibition at the museum in the afternoon and celebrating the grand opening of a yoga studio in the evening.  Belle and I will be well-rested going into this.  I will pause to rest between groceries and the museum as long as needed.  We may even make time to dine out for lunch (and invite others?) before or after the museum.  It might be nice to have a drink after the yoga party.  I am excited!

Independence

I wanted a sultry dress, a gallon of sangria and organ meat for this holiday.  I got a small town parade and a coffee break instead.  Belle and I wrestled for chocolate chip cookies.  Later on, I baked sweet potatoes, broiled a chicken and roasted carrots.  Belle ate a couple fistfuls of pasta salad before she pushed my plate away.  We took a warm bath, donned fresh clothes and took a walk around the block at dusk.  I wouldn't have had it any other way, although I could have done without Cheerios in between my toes.

Birthday plans

There are a couple parties being thrown on the very evening of my birth--the opening of a yoga studio in Alameda and a duo birthday bash in Oakland.  Belle and I will spend my birthday celebrating the successes of others.  It will be wonderful to be with people.

I manifest a thriving hypnotherapy and life coaching practice for my birthday.  I manifest a healthy body, a healthy child and a happy, healthy home.  I manifest supportive community, family and friends.  I manifest an honest, loving, mature, passionate and supportive mate.

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Birthday

I turn thirty-seven in eleven days.  I am already feeling the birthday blues.  What have I accomplished as I rapidly approach forty?  What contributions have I made?  Will I successfully carry out the plans I am making?

Peer counselor/mentor

I would like to offer someone the peer support I lacked as a young person.  My grandmothers isolated themselves for whatever reason and expected me to do the same.  While this appeared to "work" when my grandmothers were present to cushion the absence of close relationships, it failed tremendously once I found myself completely on my own.  Material goods did not substitute for people.  I'd been taught to put my faith in materials, money and property and to suspect most people as hungry for my materials, money and property.  This won me no favors when I attempted to establish myself in a new city at the start of a recession.  If anything, some people turned a suspicious eye toward me, certain I was guilty or lying about something.

I learned of my lover's untimely death on the morning before the marketing class for my hypnotherapy course.  I spent one weekend grieving him, went back and finished the course.  I earned my credentials.  I enrolled in another like program to earn additional credentials.  I envisioned myself as a hypnotherapist and holistic health practitioner in private practice.  I spent that Christmas in Northern California visiting my great-aunt in a residential home in Oakland and having fun in San Francisco.  I had moved to Alameda before I knew it.  My career as a hypnotherapist suddenly seemed like nonsense.  I dropped out of my distance learning holistic health school.  Aware of the renaissance happening in Alameda and Oakland, I tried to squeeze myself into public relations, as well as a relationship.  None of it worked.  I became a single mom.  In the silence, I rediscovered hypnosis.  I need peer support now more than ever.  I would love to create for someone the relationships I didn't know I needed too.