Market day

Belle had a ball at Old Oakland's Farmers Market today.  She especially liked blueberries, cherries, nectarines (We bought some!) and samosas.  She grabbed at every sample, including artisan mustard on crackers.  She had fistfuls of samosa even on our bus ride home. Now Belle is snoring with a little samosa in one hand.  Here's hoping the grease stains wash out of my blue sundress.

Tooth

Belle is cutting another tooth.

Happy

I am connecting with people in Alameda who actually want to be in Alameda.  This is a welcome relief.  I spent far too many years surrounded by miserable people who didn't want to be here or anywhere else.  That negativity was catching and toxic.  I like this enthusiasm that only parenting can bring.  I didn't know this world before.

Writing for children

I am challenging myself to write a children's book and enter it into a contest.  I have a concept in mind already.  Where do I start?

Literacy

Simon & Schuster is promoting literacy by including a story book with each box of Cheerios.  Today we got "Digby Takes Charge" and "The Lost Balloon."  There are four more titles to collect.  I want them.

Mother's Day in the park

Belle crashed a pre-schooler's birthday party in the park today.  She power crawled over to their blankets, buried her face in the grass and came back up crying. The mother of the birthday child handed me a pink costume to dress Belle in so she could be a fairy after she recovered from her tantrum.  We were later invited to taste the pink castle cake the mother made.  I dared help myself to a beer, a plate of pinto beans and watermelon wedges tossed with blueberries and fresh mint.  Every variation of fear and self-loathing surfaced during this experience.  I didn't want to be ill perceived or misunderstood for having fun or taking food when I didn't know the people.  I felt like I should have already had my own people.  Interestingly enough, these were probably the sort of friends Belle and I should have anyway.

Mother's Day

My brief relationship with Belle's father signaled the tail end of the darkest chapter of my adulthood.  Belle triggered a major turn around, the death of the darkness and the birth of love and light. I am moving on from my ex(es) and from anyone else who ever acted out the melodrama.  I am redirecting my power and creativity toward healing and moving on with Belle.

I want to attract an equal, loving partnership, get pregnant and be it, feel it and look it in ways I couldn't with Belle.  I want to do this again, knowing I am healthy. loved and supported.  I want people checking in with me, throwing me a shower and all those beautiful social aspects of pregnancy I missed with Belle.  I can't be that girl anymore, completely cut off from everyone, nursing my own wounds.  I need better than this.  How can you be pregnant without anyone or anything to come home to?