Stress

I am understanding my response to stress with help from some online sites on the topic.  I had all the symptoms of stress over the course of my adulthood:  high blood pressure, nervous habits, impatience, angry outbursts, lashing out, anxiety, fear, worry, withdrawal, coping with alcohol.  I feared people didn't like or trust me in Alameda.  I feared I had made a big mistake moving here.  I wondered how to curb the hostility coming from others, including people living around my home.  All this time it was just me reacting to stress by attracting inappropriate people and situations, and seeking morale support from the wrong people.

I had taken too much on, stemming back to being a five year old orphan who thought she was in charge.  An old friend in L.A. used to say, "You need to relax."  He could see the tension even when I danced at parties.  I remember a female friend in Alameda saying, "You are under stress."  I remember tarot readers warning me against stress and its triggers.  I remember drinking in public, lashing out at people and then crying myself to sleep in private.  I remember people in authority being so concerned about my mental health that I nearly (1) wound up in a psych ward and (2) could have lost Belle. 

The stress of losing my parents violently, sacrificing my own desires to be a rock for my grandmothers, including elder care and inherited rental property at a time when I could have either gone to grad school or bummed across Europe, being isolated from extended family and friends, losing a lover to suicide and then a big move just got me.  I fell apart completely in Alameda.  I blacked out my entire pregnancy and had a break down at delivery.  That was me at my lowest point, and for that I was judged and practically condemned.  I looked and sounded like some mentally ill woman out of touch with reality when I had simply suffered through years of trauma and stress.

There is more to share later when Belle is asleep. 

junk

I heard on a podcast, "When you settle for less, you get less than what you settled for."  I am forever tied to someone I met at a dive bar. 

I was so spent from years of taking care of everyone else, and internalizing everyone else's junk, that I came off like a crazy person giving birth alone.

I am sure now that I spent a couple years in a break down, with years of personal loss finally weighing so heavy on me that I drank heavily and acted out.  I just wasn't myself.

Belle is me putting myself back together again, balanced, calm, focused and using alternate coping mechanisms than whatever numbed me dumb before.

Red dot.

My first period post partum coincides with Belle cutting her first tooth and learning to walk.  She is needy and clingy from a recent round of immunizations, making it very difficult for me to adjust to this period.

Sleep

Tonight I made a stew from pork sausage, carrots, fennel stalks, onion and chick peas.  I served this stew over white rice.  Belle delighted in grabbing the fork and feeding me, taking very little for herself.  When I sat her down with her own bowl, Belle politely turned it over and asked for milk.  Belle fell asleep in my arms about as soon as she climbed into them, exhausted from a full day's play.

I keep dreaming about presents.  This morning I dreamed a family in our parish had a gift for me.  I woke up before I could receive it.  The previous morning I dreamed I drew gift boxes on construction paper with Crayola, re-creating colours and textures found on fine wrapping paper.  What means this?

15 mos check

Belle had a wonderful morning at the doctor's.  We were very pleased.  Belle gained two pounds since her last weight check on January eighteenth.  She now measures 29.5 inches and weighs twenty pounds.  We are now on track with most other healthy kids.  We need not see the doctor again until Belle's eighteen month appointment in June.  That is three months from now.  This is a far cry from thrice weekly visits in her first few weeks of life.

I celebrated this success with a latte at the Eritrean-Ethiopian restaurant near the clinic.  A latte.  It was a delicious latte after a delicious meal.  Belle ate injera with whatever fruit and vegetable blend I had in a foil pouch in our bag.  She ignored the carrot coins I'd offered her.  Later on at home, Belle sorted through a bowl of beef stew and peas I served for dinner.  She did not eat a bite.  I will make another attempt with a similar food.

Wee iron woman

I made creative use of boxed infant cereal:  pancakes!  I combined iron rich oat cereal, rice cereal and whole wheat flour with one egg, fruit puree and fruit juice and fired up the griddle.  I made about eighteen dense cakes, of which Belle and I ate half.  I would have stopped at three had it not pleased Belle to keep a pancake in my hand at all times.  They were tasty.  I used an apple and cherry fruit blend and grape juice without sugar instead of milk.

Belle took a few more steps during our pancake feast.  She still prefers crawling over all, as evidenced at last Wednesday's La Leche League meeting.  Belle confidently met every mom and every infant and toddler present.  She thoroughly enjoyed herself outside of me.  I am guessing she is aware, or is increasingly becoming aware, of herself as an individual.  We still need each other one hundred percent though.

Baby steps

Belle took her first steps without assistance last night. We were sitting on the kitchen floor, listening to Miles Davis' "All Blues" when Belle rose up and took a few short steps from me to a closed cabinet. She spent the rest of the evening power crawling.

Belle has also started spoonfeeding me and herself. She recently brought me a jar of beef puree, not for herself, but to feed me. Belle used her tiny fingers as a fork and seemed rather pleased with herself for feeding mommy.

I am actually looking forward to Belle's upcoming 15 month appointment. While Belle may still be more petite than most, she can walk. She has one tooth slowly breaking through. She has a hearty appetite for healthy foods. If I am pleased, which I am, so will the doctor.