Wednesday, April 23, 2014


I keep all of my books.  I have art books, cook books, fiction books, metaphysical books and more books.  I earned an English degree after all.  Today I organized some of my cook books on top of the piano.  Many of these cook books were passed down from my grandmother to me, as was my mother's piano.  That's when it hit me.  Many of the people I have clashed with haven't experienced loss.  It's weird then that I have these things and not the people these things once belonged to.  It may even be overwhelming to come into my home full of things if the other person feels insecure about their things.  It's easier\to berate me for having a home full of things than it is to show empathy towards me for having survived loss.  This obvious empathy gap makes platonic friendships and romantic relationships difficult.  It becomes harder to root for me because I haven't struggled materially as others have.  I will need to connect with business people, friends, surrogate family and, eventually, a mate who can provide the acceptance, support and unconditional love I deserve.  I have suffered for far too long dealing with the wrong people who won't stick around because they are too mesmerized by things to be a real friend.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Polly's short outing

Polly, our downstairs cat, got out when I refused to serve Belle sweets.  Belle had eaten cake, candy, cupcakes, ice cream, juice and soda on Easter Sunday.  I, therefore, found cupcakes for this morning's breakfast extreme.  I also found extra helpings of cheese and yogurt extreme, especially since Belle had access to a variety of foods in addition to the cheese and yogurt she'd already eaten.  I denied Belle these foods and she hit me very hard with heavy objects thrown against my head and foot.

Polly may have gotten out during my race to rush Belle away from the offending foods and out of the house.  If Polly didn't get out then, she got out when I allowed Belle to sit out in the backyard with the back door open.  I closed my bedroom door on Krishna when I finally became aware of Polly missing, with hope Polly might walk back in through an open front or back door (I closed the door on Krishna so he wouldn't get out.).  Of course Belle kept closing the doors, making a search impossible.  I eventually pulled myself together and took Belle on a walk through the neighborhood to search for Polly.

Desperate times led to a card reading on the issue and a mediumship reading on a psychic talk show. Ultimately, I left both porch lights on and food at the door to lure Polly in.  I heard her meow in the backyard where the light didn't shine.  I braved the darkness and the weeds to pull Polly back inside.  Belle kissed Polly as soon as I brought her back in.  It took Polly a while to warm up to being inside again.  She has used her box but has eaten the bare medium of dry or wet food.  I am glad she is back.

Belle grabbed the entire container of cheese cubes and ate cheese while watching Polly clean herself on the couch.  I grabbed the container and used some cheese to make quesadillas we could share.  I wanted to eat cheese too.  I know how to eat today's portion and save some for tomorrow.  Belle's instincts tell her to overeat cheese and yogurt, even if it means spitting out chewed food, throwing it at me, playing with or wearing the food on her body or clothes.  This isn't conducive to how I ration or serve food. 

Monday, April 21, 2014


Belle and I spent Easter with our cousin Joyce and her family.  Belle woke me up before I'd assembled her Easter basket (chocolate bunny, lollipops, peanut butter eggs, a sparkly wand, a tiara, tooth brushes and a tutu).  We ate candy for breakfast, followed by coffee (for me!), fried eggs and quesadillas.  We made it out the door just in time and arrived early for dinner:  asparagus, broccoli and cheese sauce, macaroni and cheese, meats, potato salad and plenty of desserts!  Belle filled up on grapes and watermelon before dinner, skipped savory foods and devoured dessert.  We loved the homemade mint chocolate chip ice cream and homemade strawberry ice cream the best!

Someone had left their unwanted books outside for anyone to take.  I took:

The Art of Dramatic Writing

The First Five Pages

How To Write A Damn Good Novel

Nicole Krauss' The History of Love

Tim O' Brien's Tomcat In Love

Freeing the Heart

Shirley Nicholson's Shamanism

Amaro Bhikkhu's Small Boat, Great Mountain

Sayalay Susila's Unraveling the Mysteries of Mind & Body

Saturday, April 19, 2014


Seeing the former Dinner Guest and his friends standing outside of a restaurant near my home made me feel great about wearing lipstick and a sundress to farmers market today.  I had started not to make a farmers market trip a priority this week until Belle woke me up so early.  I adorned, moisturized, painted, polished and scented myself from head to toe and set off.  I even took the time to nourish myself with a savory breakfast sandwich and coffee on the go.  I carefully selected this week's vegetables and bought myself a bunch of lilies.  I spied Dinner Guest on the last stretch before we rounded the corner for home.  I called his name, to which he responded, "Oh, hey..." like he'd been caught.

Friday, April 18, 2014


We kept our pot of basil, oregano and thyme alive and thriving this week.  We expanded our container garden by planting celery from scraps, lucky clovers, strawberries and sunflowers.  I repotted the aloe vera in nourishing soil and added fertilizer.  I put it in the shade because it had turned red.

Coconut oil

Belle and I spent Good Friday browsing the Filipino market and the nearby Market Spot.  I opted for a sixteen ounce container of coconut oil priced at $9.99 at the Filipino store over the twenty-eight ounce container for $11.99 at the supermarket.  I'd stockpiled my kitchen with enough butter, ghee and sunflower oil to not be in immediate need of those extra ounces of coconut oil.

I noted instant coffee, loose leaf tea and powdered coconut milk of interest.  I did not make a purchase because we are not in immediate need of these items.  The kitchen is too filthy and the pantry too cluttered to accommodate anything extra.  I handed Belle an applesauce and a yogurt after we came home to keep her occupied while I got started on cleaning the kitchen.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

6 miles

Belle crashed by seven pm last night, slept twelve hours and woke me before the alarm sounded this morning.  We made our Thursday morning food run with Belle seated in her push chair for a change.  I tucked the frozen foods into an insulated bag so Belle could play in a playground on our way home.  Belle tired herself out playing and napped in the push chair.  She stayed asleep long enough for me to put our food away at home and go back out.  I pushed a sleeping Belle to the Bosnian market for a coffee and some light shopping (Mmm.  Lane biscuits.).  I had planned to take my coffee over to the new halal and shop uninterrupted until a fire truck woke Belle up.  This didn't stop me from browsing every aisle and carefully weighing every prospective purchase at the halal, where I bought ghee and kefir cheese.

We were down to one roll of toilet paper and three training pants once we settled in at home.  I plopped Belle back into her push chair and set off to Target for paper goods.  I bought myself a new sleeping bonnet and a tooth brush.  I bought the house sunflowers we'll plant.  I bought Belle a tiara to compliment the tutu and wand I bought her on Monday (only $5.00 for the whole set!!!!) and a set of four tooth brushes with Peanuts characters stamped onto them.  Belle opened her new tooth brushes as soon as we came home and promptly lost the green one.  In need of a rest after walking six miles today, I soldiered on by playing ball and blowing bubbles with Belle after our early evening meal of warm Bosnian bread and my homemade chicken soup.  We soaked the day's grime away in a warm bubble bath, after which Belle  nursed to sleep. What a day!  At least we have everything we need for the foreseeable future.  I'll figure out the rest.