Wednesday, April 30, 2014

CHt

I trained to become a hypnotherapist in 2006.  I learned of the death of someone I loved very much on the morning before the marketing class.  I completed the course and earned the certification without ever making up the missed class.  I took a few weeks off, turned thirty and enrolled in a holistic health practitioner distance learning program.  At the time I wanted both CHt and HHP behind my name.  I studied steadily without any emotional, moral or spiritual support.  In fact, the older woman who rented my downstairs flat dismissed my education as some fluffy rich kid's bullshit.

I had no support as a hypnotherapist and very little sympathy for having lost a long term love.  I had already mentally committed myself to moving house a couple years prior when the love moved away.  Getting an unsolicited offer on my property came as no surprise.  I left L.A. for Alameda and took a little time off.  I threw myself into community management, events planning and public relations.  I excelled at dining and drinking out, hosting parties and socializing.  Then I succumbed to it.  I noticed myself not making real friends.  My love affairs fell flat and my connection to family living nearby weakened.  I found myself all alone with a baby in a hospital with only a couple drinking buddies to call on.

My life changed when I made the proactive choice to explore hypnotherapy and life coaching as a career track in 2006.  My career plans changed the moment that phone rang on the morning before the marketing class shortly after.  Death had eclipsed my progress once again.  I had just learned how to make phone calls at age five when my father murdered my mother and killed himself.  I had my first experience with hypnotherapy during grief counseling at age seven.  I took my training right before I turned thirty and then I lost a love just as I had lost my own father.  I moved house less than a year later and became someone else.  I adopted a destructive, non-sustainable lifestyle as a means to escape every personal loss I had ever experienced.  Camille Kea, CHt  has never had her moment.

Done with boxed cereal!

I have given away fifteen boxes of breakfast cereal.  Belle doesn't really care for cold breakfast cereal.  These unopened boxes of cereal had occupied the highest shelf for months until I realised I needed to clear some space in the pantry.  I thought I might keep some and give some away until Belle recognized a familiar yellow box sitting out on a counter.  Milk and cereal soon lined the kitchen floor, with dry cereal crushed into the upstairs carpet.  I knew the vacuum would eat more cereal than Belle ever could.  I gave three Alameda Freecycle families five boxes each.  I am keeping brown rice, grits, oats and white rice as healthy savory options.

Belle ate goat cheese (overeaten as a complete afternoon meal) and spaghetti with homemade white sauce for dinner.  She also ate an orange and just a bite of bratwurst.  She drank water diluted grape juice, red and white, and cow's milk.  She refused beans and rice, bread and tortillas.  I refused to bake brownies and shortbread from mixes she found in the pantry.  While I am tempted to claim chocolate Easter bunnies from another Freecycler, I better not.  I will re-arrange our pantry again so Belle can find food she likes.  I want to hire someone to clean up our back yard.  I also want a tower garden.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Expansion

Yesterday Belle and I had an impromptu play date with a woman from our church and her granddaughter.  We know this family just enough to know we attend the same church and we are neighbours.  I suggested we all walk up to our community park after a chance meeting in my court.  The woman asked, "You live here?"  By the time we'd reached the park, she'd decided that Belle and I were borders renting out one room in this house.  Once again, the residents of Alameda automatically assume I am someone else.

Belle and I live on the more impoverished side of the island.  Planned communities full of working families of all colors and incomes aside, many [blacks] live off public assistance in public housing nearby.  While there isn't any shame there, I find it troubling how some people let their minds go there when they meet me.  It's happened so much these past several years, particularly since having Belle on my own.  It is painfully clear I am not expected to be or do more than have a child or two and stay small.

I challenge the perception some people have of women and of blacks.  I have met some narrow minded people over the years.  Again, I haven't met with empathy or understanding because I am not easy to categorize.  I am an iconoclast.  Some people, men especially, have felt threatened by me because my story is unique.  Uniqueness, therefore, has been misinterpreted as dirty, shameful and wrong.  I am sure my family didn't anticipate such response when they created the conditions that have shaped me.

Monday, April 28, 2014

How a litter box led me to a preschool

This morning we got Krishna a dome shaped litter box from another Freecycler.  I discovered two preschools while walking home with Belle and Krishna's new litter box.  I have already heard nice things about both schools.  Good to know what's here!

Tonight I gave away ten boxes of cereal on Freecycle.  Belle doesn't really know how to eat cereal with milk.  She asked for Kix last night and threw it back at me, cereal, milk and all.  Now I am ankle deep in the dry cereal scattered all over the house.

\


Sunday, April 27, 2014

Lenormand reading

Bear, House, Anchor, Lilies, Bouquet

I am strong enough to handle anything. My family/home life is stable, peaceful and happy.  A barrel chested, muscular man is coming into my home, expanding it.  His personality is strong and dominant.  He is mature, protective and successful.  He is established in his career.  He is bringing more happiness into my home.  He will come bearing gifts.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Preschool night

Tonight was "Preschool night" at a nearby baby boutique.  I had planned to keep our afternoon low key to accommodate this late evening event with a toddler in tow.  Belle napped in the push chair on our way home from getting groceries early in the day.  She napped long enough for me to put food away, eat a snack and drink half a cup of coffee.  She woke up in search of sugary desserts, which she fought me for all afternoon and into the evening.  I couldn't rest despite my best efforts.  Belle kept finding more things to get into.  While a piece of chocolate cake gave me a little energy for a couple minutes, I ultimately ran out of steam at dinner time.  Belle fell asleep soon after, and she has stayed asleep for five hours.

I will need to make an informed choice about Belle's education soon.  What type of preschool would suit our needs?  I used my Voyager tarot deck to get some ideas:  Man of Crystals (Inventor), Universe, Four of Cups (Anger).  We need a preschool that will allow Belle to channel her developing [feelings] into art, games, puzzles and anything involving brainstorming new ideas.  We need all things that challenge the mind and tempt the fingers.  What's out there that fits this?  I never thought I would be solely responsible for a child and have to make these choices alone.  I can't even ask my mom for her advice.  

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Empathy

I keep all of my books.  I have art books, cook books, fiction books, metaphysical books and more books.  I earned an English degree after all.  Today I organized some of my cook books on top of the piano.  Many of these cook books were passed down from my grandmother to me, as was my mother's piano.  That's when it hit me.  Many of the people I have clashed with haven't experienced loss.  It's weird then that I have these things and not the people these things once belonged to.  It may even be overwhelming to come into my home full of things if the other person feels insecure about their things.  It's easier to berate me for having a home full of things than it is to show empathy towards me for having survived loss.  This obvious empathy gap makes platonic friendships and romantic relationships difficult.  It becomes harder to root for me because I haven't struggled materially as others have.  I will need to connect with business people, friends, surrogate family and, eventually, a mate who can provide the acceptance, support and unconditional love I deserve.  I have suffered for far too long dealing with the wrong people who won't stick around because they are too mesmerized by things to be a real friend.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Polly's short outing

Polly, our downstairs cat, got out when I refused to serve Belle sweets.  Belle had eaten cake, candy, cupcakes, ice cream, juice and soda on Easter Sunday.  I, therefore, found cupcakes for this morning's breakfast extreme.  I also found extra helpings of cheese and yogurt extreme, especially since Belle had access to a variety of foods in addition to the cheese and yogurt she'd already eaten.  I denied Belle these foods and she hit me very hard with heavy objects thrown against my head and foot.

Polly may have gotten out during my race to rush Belle away from the offending foods and out of the house.  If Polly didn't get out then, she got out when I allowed Belle to sit out in the backyard with the back door open.  I closed my bedroom door on Krishna when I finally became aware of Polly missing, with hope Polly might walk back in through an open front or back door (I closed the door on Krishna so he wouldn't get out.).  Of course Belle kept closing the doors, making a search impossible.  I eventually pulled myself together and took Belle on a walk through the neighborhood to search for Polly.

Desperate times led to a card reading on the issue and a mediumship reading on a psychic talk show. Ultimately, I left both porch lights on and food at the door to lure Polly in.  I heard her meow in the backyard where the light didn't shine.  I braved the darkness and the weeds to pull Polly back inside.  Belle kissed Polly as soon as I brought her back in.  It took Polly a while to warm up to being inside again.  She has used her box but has eaten the bare medium of dry or wet food.  I am glad she is back.

Belle grabbed the entire container of cheese cubes and ate cheese while watching Polly clean herself on the couch.  I grabbed the container and used some cheese to make quesadillas we could share.  I wanted to eat cheese too.  I know how to eat today's portion and save some for tomorrow.  Belle's instincts tell her to overeat cheese and yogurt, even if it means spitting out chewed food, throwing it at me, playing with or wearing the food on her body or clothes.  This isn't conducive to how I ration or serve food. 

Monday, April 21, 2014

Easter

Belle and I spent Easter with our cousin Joyce and her family.  Belle woke me up before I'd assembled her Easter basket (chocolate bunny, lollipops, peanut butter eggs, a sparkly wand, a tiara, tooth brushes and a tutu).  We ate candy for breakfast, followed by coffee (for me!), fried eggs and quesadillas.  We made it out the door just in time and arrived early for dinner:  asparagus, broccoli and cheese sauce, macaroni and cheese, meats, potato salad and plenty of desserts!  Belle filled up on grapes and watermelon before dinner, skipped savory foods and devoured dessert.  We loved the homemade mint chocolate chip ice cream and homemade strawberry ice cream the best!

Someone had left their unwanted books outside for anyone to take.  I took:

The Art of Dramatic Writing

The First Five Pages

How To Write A Damn Good Novel

Nicole Krauss' The History of Love

Tim O' Brien's Tomcat In Love

Freeing the Heart

Shirley Nicholson's Shamanism

Amaro Bhikkhu's Small Boat, Great Mountain

Sayalay Susila's Unraveling the Mysteries of Mind & Body

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Busted

Seeing the former Dinner Guest and his friends standing outside of a restaurant near my home made me feel great about wearing lipstick and a sundress to farmers market today.  I had started not to make a farmers market trip a priority this week until Belle woke me up so early.  I adorned, moisturized, painted, polished and scented myself from head to toe and set off.  I even took the time to nourish myself with a savory breakfast sandwich and coffee on the go.  I carefully selected this week's vegetables and bought myself a bunch of lilies.  I spied Dinner Guest on the last stretch before we rounded the corner for home.  I called his name, to which he responded, "Oh, hey..." like he'd been caught.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Garden

We kept our pot of basil, oregano and thyme alive and thriving this week.  We expanded our container garden by planting celery from scraps, lucky clovers, strawberries and sunflowers.  I repotted the aloe vera in nourishing soil and added fertilizer.  I put it in the shade because it had turned red.

Coconut oil

Belle and I spent Good Friday browsing the Filipino market and the nearby Market Spot.  I opted for a sixteen ounce container of coconut oil priced at $9.99 at the Filipino store over the twenty-eight ounce container for $11.99 at the supermarket.  I'd stockpiled my kitchen with enough butter, ghee and sunflower oil to not be in immediate need of those extra ounces of coconut oil.

I noted instant coffee, loose leaf tea and powdered coconut milk of interest.  I did not make a purchase because we are not in immediate need of these items.  The kitchen is too filthy and the pantry too cluttered to accommodate anything extra.  I handed Belle an applesauce and a yogurt after we came home to keep her occupied while I got started on cleaning the kitchen.


Thursday, April 17, 2014

6 miles

Belle crashed by seven pm last night, slept twelve hours and woke me before the alarm sounded this morning.  We made our Thursday morning food run with Belle seated in her push chair for a change.  I tucked the frozen foods into an insulated bag so Belle could play in a playground on our way home.  Belle tired herself out playing and napped in the push chair.  She stayed asleep long enough for me to put our food away at home and go back out.  I pushed a sleeping Belle to the Bosnian market for a coffee and some light shopping (Mmm.  Lane biscuits.).  I had planned to take my coffee over to the new halal and shop uninterrupted until a fire truck woke Belle up.  This didn't stop me from browsing every aisle and carefully weighing every prospective purchase at the halal, where I bought ghee and kefir cheese.

We were down to one roll of toilet paper and three training pants once we settled in at home.  I plopped Belle back into her push chair and set off to Target for paper goods.  I bought myself a new sleeping bonnet and a tooth brush.  I bought the house sunflowers we'll plant.  I bought Belle a tiara to compliment the tutu and wand I bought her on Monday (only $5.00 for the whole set!!!!) and a set of four tooth brushes with Peanuts characters stamped onto them.  Belle opened her new tooth brushes as soon as we came home and promptly lost the green one.  In need of a rest after walking six miles today, I soldiered on by playing ball and blowing bubbles with Belle after our early evening meal of warm Bosnian bread and my homemade chicken soup.  We soaked the day's grime away in a warm bubble bath, after which Belle  nursed to sleep. What a day!  At least we have everything we need for the foreseeable future.  I'll figure out the rest.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Toddler day shopping/date night

The elastic in my tube top busted as I hoisted Belle into a shopping cart in the middle of Discount City.  I had already mentally committed to obtaining all of the things on a shopping list I had spent several nights writing and revising.  I tied the top of the fallen dress into a knot and draped my sweater over it.  I still had to finish my shopping and carry it home, all while wrangling a curious toddler and an old, tattered dress.  The knot actually came undone in the parking lot, exposing me to someone in a white van.  I just fixed it and kept going.  I triumphed ultimately despite the sagging dress and the child grabbing at everything on the shelves.  I had a long walk home with bags full of cooking oil, vinegar and such.  The mom I met on my walk made things interesting.

I changed out of the ruined dress at home and into a tank and skirt.  I plopped Belle into her push chair and headed straight to Walgreens.  We needed face and body cleansers and moisturizers not found at a discount store (although I did find an apricot scrub today with ingredients I agreed with).  I took advantage of all advertised specials and made very sound purchases.  While I had also intended to buy a one hundred count box of Lipton tea bags for $2.99, I opted instead for a loose leaf orange pekoe I found in the Middle Eastern foods at Discount City for a dollar more.  Coincidentally, a halal has just opened up on the main drag.  It joins many exciting cultural foods found at Discount City and those found at the Bosnian market.

Belle and I came home long enough to drop off the skin care and change pants.  We headed back out to enjoy happy hour on the sunny patio of our favorite Mexican restaurant.  We shared steak fries, which are like nachos, except with crinkle cut fries instead of chips.  Belle seemed to only eat sour cream and cheese sauce.  She refused the steak.  I had three beers.  We walked over to the Bosnian market after dinner, where we shared three lollipops while seated in their sunny window.  I bought my bag of coffee there, choosing a Bosnian brand (Or is it Croatian?) for a cultural exchange over what I had planned to buy at a supermarket. We ended our dinner date night with an ice cream cookie sandwich we split between us.  One of the shop girls took Belle's picture.



Monday, April 14, 2014

Made groceries

We ended up buying the cats two boxes of Friskies Classic Pate (forty-eight cans!!!) at Target, and earned a six ounce bag of Party Mix treats for free.  Belle got six tubes of bath tub finger paints (Buy two and get one free!) and an assortment of sidewalk chalk in bold colors.  I got a lip balm, shower gel and a bottle of wine.  The house got strawberries and lucky clovers we'll plant.  There were more mundane purchases, like hand soap and toilet bowl cleaner, but I'll spare the details.  We ultimately ran out of room in the storage basket beneath the pushchair before we finished the list.  We'll make a return trip to Target on or after Wednesday, with a stop at the discount stores and the supermarket.  Looks like I forgot to price check Belle's beloved yogurt tubes and cheese.  Ugh!

Friskies: It's what these cats know.

I will stick with Friskies pate for the cats for now.  It's what these cats know.  The ingredients don't vary from nearly everything else I have looked at, and I have exhausted myself reading labels both in person and online.  I have actually seen worse ingredients for more money (a 24 can variety pack of Friskies Classic Pate costs $10.99 at Target!  Lucky's is selling another brand's variety pack for who cares how much because it contains wheat gluten.  Wheat gluten.).  Friskies just contains rice farther down on the list.  Similarly, Iams contains rice flour.  I best steer clear of wheat gluten and corn thouggh.

Iams pate variety packs are currently out of stock at my nearest Target.  I may still get a couple cans of Salmon to keep it interesting.  Polly had no qualms eating Sheba (I bought two cans of chicken for $0.52 each at Target and got a third can of mixed grill free just to try.).  Krishna, on the other hand, didn't seem to care for Sheba.  Walgreens currently has five cans of Sheba on sale for $3.00, eight cents more than Target.  Good to know!  I like to see what's available where, from the discount markets to mass market retailers, just to see what's out there.  I have read great things about Trader Joe's canned food too (Budget friendly and grain free).  Maybe when this lot runs low.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

My stock must rise again.

Men want activity partners.  I have never, in fifteen years of dating, been asked or expected to be anyone's activity partner.  I have been invited to baseball games and weddings, only to have those invitations reneged and the relationships fall through.  I have acted in ways I found appropriate, and maybe they are, just not for every relationship I have been in.  Maybe I am using the word "relationship" loosely.  Needless to say, no man has ever been crazy about me.  My last relationship ended with a bouquet of flowers that thrived for days after the relationship's end.  Now I have a child and I can't be anyone's activity partner even if I want to go out and do things.  No one has asked me out to do things.  No one has ever asked me out to do things with any seriousness.  It stinks.

My parents and grandparents always discouraged me from ever being a professional woman or a woman with a husband and a child.  I clung to these limiting beliefs even when I found myself free from hearing them after my maternal grandmother died.  I never found a real career or work I loved.  I always found more makeup and pretty dresses and men who didn't truly value my efforts.  Maybe I didn't value myself.  Now I am all alone with a child and these pretty dresses I can't wear anywhere.  I am stuck on a guy who has moved on with a woman he is crazy about taking out and being social with.  I feel I should be that girl.  Maybe I would be had I grown up years ago (and maybe had he.  It works both ways.).  I am also watching in awe as the younger woman next door enjoys her new home in the way I had once envisioned enjoying mine.  I don't see anyone outwardly objecting to her success as they did mine.  I hear belly laughs coming from their frequent afternoon parties.  What I would give to have an afternoon party where I am happy and my guests are happy!

My maternal grandfather always joked (Ha!) that I couldn't start dating until I turned thirty-six.  I am turning thirty-eight in July and I have never really dated anyone.  I have been involved with men I have never actually dated.  Even my last entanglement stemmed from a year long friendship.  Unfortunately, we never got to go anywhere or do anything because I would have needed a sitter and he would have needed to actually like me enough to value me and the relationship.  My love life isn't working.  I am a single mom of one willful child and two adult cats.  I want so much more fulfillment in addition to this.  I want a love life (and a marriage and more children) and a rewarding professional life.  I know my family couldn't support me in these ways.  They probably thought I wouldn't want this life had they lived forever to tell me no.  Instead, I let them tell me no in my own mind for many, many years.  

Friday, April 11, 2014

Wild Belle Toddler

Belle is officially an angry, emotional, frustrated toddler.  I hand her a piece of bread and she throws it back repeatedly before taking a bite.  Then if I dare move her while she's eating, she'll scream, cry and stomp, prompting a repeat of the cycle.   This morning we shared a can of chili and beans with warm, toasted rolls.  Breakfast was such a battle I nearly chucked it all.  I ended up spoon feeding Belle beans as we both stood over the cutting board in the kitchen.  Belle fed herself a roll in between beans.  Of course Belle went ape when I dared clean the chili off her hands and face.  I guess that's how it is now.

Sheba tonight

I served the cats Sheba canned food tonight.  Unfortunately, this new food comes on the heels of Belle's foul mood.  The cats have been in hiding most of the evening.  They aren't even eating their dry food.  I find this frustrating because I walked a great distance to find this food at this price.  I may need to stick with the Friskies they are now accustomed too.  That seems like a sure thing!

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Wet cat food

The alarm is set for an early morning food run.  Belle went down just after midnight, dressed in the long sleeved onesie I have designated for our outing.  Meanwhile, I am up researching wet cat food.  Krishna and Polly were both offered a third of a can of Friskies with their dinner.  Both cats ate a significant portion of their wet food.  I had been hesitant in serving wet food because (1) Krishna's birth family couldn't get him to enjoy wet food and (2) Polly wouldn't eat her wet food in her first weeks here, despite her foster mom's success in feeding wet food.  Now it's obvious they both love it, and we are running low.

Polly is used to eating Friskies canned food.  Our nearest discount store sells Friskies for $0.79 a can.  Target sells Friskies Variety packs:  32 cans of assorted seafood for $14.79, 24 cans of assorted pate for $10.99, etc.   While the cats enjoy eating this brand, I see it contains artificial flavors and colors in some cases.  Target also sells Sheba Premium for $0.52 a can.  Sheba Premium is fake dye and fake flavor free and grain and gluten free.  I would like the cats to like Sheba Premium.  Will they eat this if I serve it?  

Monday, April 7, 2014

I can breathe.

I can breathe again after dumping that non scooping cat litter.  I feel so much better.  The coughing, sneezing and wheezing are gone.  I can live with cats.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Litter box guffaw

I feel I have become allergic to the Jonny Cat litter Krishna came with.  I find it quite dusty.  I have since replaced it with Worlds Best Cat Litter.  Polly came with Tidy Cats.  While I don't notice dust coming from Tidy Cats like I did Jonny Cat, I want to change it anyway.  Sneezing and wheezing aren't fun.

Oops!

I goofed up Krishna's litter box.

Krishna's previous owners had given us a partial bag of Jonny Cat traditional litter.  I didn't know that litter isn't formulated for daily scooping and should be replaced weekly.  No wonder it rarely clumped, if ever.  I mishandled the litter by assuming all litters were created equally.  Misinformation took a serious toll on my respiratory health and Belle's.   I feel fabulous after dumping it!

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

The hypnotist

I have Scorpio North Node in my tenth house of career and public life.  Scorpio North node is "the detective" or "the hypnotist."  Pluto rules Scorpio.  I have Pluto [in Libra] in my ninth house.  Pluto in the ninth house, per Astroscoped, has "a natural ability to promote powerful causes, to take philosophical, social and religious beliefs and place them in the public arena through publishing, broadcasting or political protest."

I have always felt urged to write a book.  I spent significant portions of my childhood and teen years getting myself onto radio talk shows, handwriting my homemade books and recording myself on cassette tape as if I were broadcasting.  I became a hypnotherapist and an ordained minister as an adult.  I also became an intuitive tarot reader.  I am meant for the world stage.  How can I be of service on a grand scale?

I need a powerful cause.  Yesterday I learned of an opportunity to help educate others about baby and child health products as a brand ambassador.  Brand ambassador.  There might be something to this.

My Libra Midheaven (Midheaven represents career) wants "a career in communications, technology, or a field that requires strong people skills," per Mapping Your Travels and Relocation.  I am a highly competent makeup artist (I mean cosmetics!  Makeup means different things to different people.  While I know I mean cosmetic application, someone else might think I mean something vague that has to do with making myself over emotionally or something weird.  I have had that reaction before.).  Makeup artistry, hair grooming and wardrobe styling fulfill my Libran need for aesthetics.  I miss playing with makeup.  An artistic vocation such as makeup artistry wouldn't stimulate me entirely.

My Scorpio North Node wants work that triggers healing and transformation in others.  That's where Libra's scale shifts.  Libra Midheaven also breeds counselors, consultants and therapists, in addition to artists.  Marriage and family therapy comes to mind.  Hypnotherapy.  The healing arts.  Pluto conjuncts Midheaven in my natal chart.  Belle is a great motivator as I pursue my ambitions, those ambitions being closely tied to psychology and psychic matters.

Tenth house Scorpio North Node...the hypnotist...Libra Midheaven...hypnotherapist..Eighth house Saturn...self-mastery and self-control...stop drinking...stop smoking...end bad habits...end sexual blockages...Ninth house Pluto...dig deeper...find meaning of life...Tenth house Uranus...be a professional revolution...Tenth house Scorpio North Node...the hypnotist...I MUST pursue my passion with confidence despite it all.  I know no other path, nor should I.

Cats



Monday marked four weeks since Krishna came into our home, and three weeks since Polly came into our home.  Krishna still hisses at Polly at times.  He roams our entire house.  Polly stays downstairs still.  Yesterday she crawled out from hiding and joined Belle and I on the love seat.  Belle became extremely excited and eventually chased Polly off by climbing an end table.  We are co-existing nicely.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Belle is asleep

These rainy days prevent Belle from releasing pent up toddler energy.  We are used to playing ball outside in the evenings.  Last night I let Belle run up and down the stairs inside our house to tire herself out instead.  We successfully avoided another three AM bedtime this way.  Belle even drank some hot tea before she retired.

I like Belle asleep by a certain time so I can do chores, have tea and regroup.  I get angry if I can't have that time alone.  I have channeled some of my frustrations on these late nights into hand washing dishes, hanging artwork, making non-dairy ice cream, etc.  It takes too much energy to stay upright with a toddler after hours.