I am branding myself as a hypno-blogger. I am using Blogger in lieu of a website, as I am seeing others do. I aim to actively contribute to my blog and promote myself on social media to build relationships and grow my practice. Hypnosis is my passion, as is writing and speaking. I am feeling secure enough within to unleash my passion. Let's have a passion party.
Belle came alive during today's freak June rainstorm. We'd successfully submitted a stool sample for a research study at the hospital, had lunch and even collected a few things from a community boutique when Belle began shrieking at the bigger kids. Aware we were violating the noise level according to posted signs, I worked feverishly to coax Belle out of there. Belle only ran away and shrieked louder, completely defiant and fiercely independent. I couldn't breastfeed her, put shoes on her or tuck her into the ring sling. I eventually managed to secure Belle into the sling, sure we could wait out the storm at a coffee house across the street. The coffee house quickly proved too stimulating. Belle started climbing the sofa when I wouldn't let her push a chair across the dining room. We were in hipster Oakland, not family friendly Alameda. I wasn't certain if we could be curious or make noise midst the notebooks and novels. I balanced Belle and my coffee outside in the rain until I found a dry, hidden spot outside to wrap Belle back into the sling. Belle fell asleep about as soon as we started nursing on the bus ride home. Why couldn't she have slept at the coffeehouse?
Belle and I attended a fashion show at a nearby boutique last night. Belgian chocolate, cheese and wine served against a backdrop of fashion and flashing cameras felt reminiscent of the old days in L.A. I even wore a little black dress, red lipstick and silver jewelry for our night out. Belle wore a sleeveless sundress, perfect for the warm and sunny Summer evening. She kept calm and reasonably quiet for a curious toddler. We only ran into trouble at the end when Belle, suddenly very comfortable with her surroundings, reached for a vase of orchids. A cup of wine overturned in the scramble to protect the orchids, likely knocked over by an adult after an adult left the wine too close to the edge. Everyone blamed the toddler for this accident, which wiped clean off the floor. Belle promptly grabbed another cup of wine off the table and started guzzling it as we were distracted by the spill.
Belle also discovered crackers and grapes last night. I allowed her the freedom to walk the short distance from me to the buffet table to fetch her own crackers and grapes. This annoyed one of the guests, a man in a suit who called me "m'am." He feared Belle would knock over the [cheap] wine in bottles and [gasp] box. I knew then we were no longer welcome at this "fashionable" party. When someone dared blame Belle's behavior on being "hungry" and "tired," I was officially done. I drank the last of my wine and got us out of there.
It annoys me whenever anyone assumes I can't read Belle's hunger cues. It really annoys me whenever anyone assumes I haven't fed her. Belle didn't eat the grapes because she was hungry. Belle ate the grapes because they were new foods to her. It isn't advised to feed grapes because grapes are a choking risk. Belle confidently ate grapes last night and was labeled hungry because she kept eating them. I was advised, as her mother, to make her a plate of grapes because she appeared hungry and the adults didn't want their wine spilled. Whatever. Belle never misses a meal. She will be taught manners accordingly.
Someone has left a perfume gift set (Magic Flower, an impression of Flower by Kenzo) at the front door. This comes after honoring my natal Venus sextile Jupiter all week. I am very interested in this, and other, planetary aspects to Jupiter. With Sagittarius Ascendant, Jupiter rules my chart. My natal Jupiter sextiles my natal Sun, Mercury and Venus and squares my Moon. What does it all mean?
Belle is roughly twenty-three pounds and nearly thirty-one inches. She is smaller than twenty-five percent of toddlers her age. The doctor and I are both pleased Belle is still growing according to the charts. We go back for another weight check in three months.
Jupiter rules my natal chart. I have Sagittarius Ascendant and Jupiter in Taurus. Jupiter is sextile Venus ruled Taurus. I am placing objects that symbolize these energies in the Wealth corner of my home. I am using an antique style radio for Jupiter and a Venus of Willendorf for Venus.
From The Astrologer's Handbook, "...good fortune, ease, and comfort...Artistic abilities and grace of expression...Business dealings in art and home furnishings are favored. Success can come through good taste and an understanding of what items are attractive to others...may gain emotionally, socially, and financially through marriage and partnerships."
Someone has alerted Belle's father to this blog. He says my mention of his mental health issue has cost him a career change. The eleven minutes we spent arguing about this last night hurt me very deeply until I realized I didn't cause his problems. He is not named in this blog, nor is his likeness shown. A background check on him should not lead to me, Belle or this blog. While I am sorry his life isn't going the way he wants it, I know I had nothing to do with his shortcomings. I am not closing doors for him. I will not censor myself here or anywhere else.
It is very difficult to change a diaper with a toddler clinging tightly to you. Belle wouldn't rest on any surface. I eventually secured her diaper with Belle standing on my thighs and facing away from me. Belle exhibited signs of stress immediately, which made checking her height and weight nearly impossible. We had to subtract my weight from my weight holding Belle to estimate Belle's current weight. Belle wouldn't straighten her legs for a height measurement and her height was measured an inch or so higher than actual. Many tears were shed and feelings were hurt. Belle mellowed out later on once she grew acclimated to her environment and played with other kids. Note to self: Arrive early enough for pediatrician appointments for Belle to relax and play first. She won't be so stressed out otherwise.
Belle and I enjoyed Fleetwood Mask, a Fleetwood Mac tribute band, at Crab Cove tonight. We arrived late and left early. In between, we devoured a delicious hot fudge milkshake from Fosters Freeze and homemade fudge brownies for sale at the concert. We met moms and toddlers we know from La Leche League meetings, as well as people we know from our church. Then Belle darted into the water fully dressed and ate sand. Did I mention the bacteria levels in the beach water were positive for "swimmer's itch?"
I didn't have a towel for her, nor a change of clothes. I stripped Belle down to a soggy diaper, changed her into a clean diaper (with Belle clinging to me in a hugging position) and wrapped her in a ring sling. We left the concert covered in sand, with Belle's wet clothes tucked under the hood of her car. We ran into more live music in a parking lot on the way home, where people we knew were gathered. Belle, naked except for a diaper, warmed with my body heat and actually danced until I realized the grungy electric guitars were too loud for her virgin ears. Walking home, we met a woman I spent many a night swapping boozy stories with in my social life before Belle. We had a nice time.
Belle and I had a successful meeting with her father and baby sister. Again, I am cautiously optimistic that positive steps are being taken and change is here. He knows what he needs to do to support his family. I am confident that he will carry out the plans he is making.
Belle's step-mother and I will forge a bond with time. She wasn't present at today's meeting. I think I scared her when I said I would contact authorities if she didn't leave me alone. That will all take care of itself. I will eventually lift the ban and allow her into my life.
Belle fed her father some of her banana. She grabbed a shovel and darted off to the sandbox, where she spent most of the play date. Her baby sister spent the entire play date in the stroller. I noticed they both have their father's nose, which probably makes him happy.
Belle's father is bipolar. There are times when he acts up and out. Sometimes he says awful, hurtful things. I have learned to not take things personally during his outbursts. I have disconnected from his energy to avoid his outbursts. Belle and I don't need that stress in our lives.
Belle's father surprised me with a phone call today. He wants Belle to know her baby sister. I have agreed to meet him, his wife and their baby this Sunday. He wants the girls to have a relationship. He says he and his wife, a woman he married after our brief relationship ended, have reconciled. He says she is helping him be and do better.
I have always wanted Belle to know her father. I have also always been concerned about his emotional and mental health. I learned the hard way not to fuel his fire. His anger at the end of our relationship took me back to my parents' violent marriage. I held that space and went numb, possibly creating my stealth pregnancy from the stress.
I appreciate Belle's father for literally taking these baby steps. I am cautiously optimistic. I have agreed to take Belle to meet her baby sister on familiar turf, after church and before nap time. He wants his children to know each other. He will need to stay balanced and calm enough to allow this to happen. I will disconnect if it doesn't feel right. He already senses my apprehension and will need to gain my trust.
I had it in mind to make spaghetti for dinner tonight. What did Belle grab from her cabinet? Belle grabbed a jar of pureed Pasta Dinner. I made spaghetti with (canned) Wild Alaskan salmon and broiled red onions and zucchini instead. I especially enjoyed hearing Belle say, "Mama. Mmm."
Yesterday brought on another "Mommy and Me" pooping event, sans food poisoning this time. I knew I had to go about as soon as we reached the park. I let Belle play because I wasn't in discomfort, nor was I breaking social etiquette. I knew I could wait. When it was time to go, I bundled Belle back into a ring sling for the walk home and she fell fast asleep. I smelled the poop as soon as we stepped inside our house.
Belle hadn't pooped in a couple days prior to yesterday. Pureed prunes hadn't even helped her digestion. The noxious odor coming from my soundly sleeping toddler proved she finally had. I anticipated diaper failure from that smell. I grabbed wash cloths and towels and headed for the tub. Unfortunately, that meant rousing Belle from the ring sling and out of her clothes. Belle protested by scooting her naked bum across the floor and smearing poop everywhere. That wasn't very nice. Belle got her second wind after that and stayed awake for hours.
Today I gave Belle a reading with Lovers Oracle. Apparently her "twin flame" is already secretly admiring her. Tonight Belle connected with an adventurous twenty-one month old who initiated hugs and demonstrated his strength on the play structures. Interesting.
I am very pleased Belle had so much extra energy earlier. She pulled her car down toward the driveway, climbed inside and readied herself for a drive. While walking to the park in our complex, I noticed a Radio Flyer tricycle, two Mickey Mouse scooters and two Fisher Price rides that remind me of Big Wheels but aren't with "FREE" notes pasted onto them. It took several trips to walk all of this home but we made it. We also brought home a short shelving unit on wheels. I might stick this in a bathroom or kitchen.
These rides join another Radio Flyer tricycle I found on the curb a couple weeks ago. That tricycle is a pink and purple girls model, fully intact and in need of cleaning. Belle will use this once her legs are long enough. We will surely pass along the boys version we found today. Whomever we give it to will probably be savvy enough to clean it, locate spare streamers for one handle and replace the missing trunk cover. We are keeping both Mickey Mouse scooters, the one with the severely scratched decal serving as spare parts in case the nearly pristine scooter needs it. We are also keeping both Fisher Price rides for those days preschool age Belle brings a playmate.
Somewhere in Alameda I accepted I didn't really belong here. I accepted I didn't fit in because my "story" was too different to be taken seriously. I accepted I wasn't deserving of anything I had, not even my education, because I hadn't "worked" for it. I accepted I couldn't, or wouldn't, earn a "real" living because my education, passions and talents weren't "real." I eventually stopped trying. I became a miserable drunk without an outlet or peer support. In sharp contrast, I felt myself fit in today, with Belle crawling over a table to reach the toddler seated in his mother's arms across from us at a cafe. I felt connected all day long, from shopping the farmers market to playing with Belle at a public park. I feel like I belong right here where I am.
Last Thursday I asked for the resources to create a garden. Four days later I found a single drawer among various castoff items on a walk. I discarded the drawer as trash until I remembered it could be used as a wooden planter box. I managed to cart the drawer home while pushing Belle in her car for several blocks. This is a good start. Now I need help cleaning up the backyard.
Yesterday I pulled these cards: Health. Gratitude. Courage. Renewal.
How can I make _________ a success?
Meditation. Support. Commitment. Wealth.
I took a guided meditation last Sunday, geared toward activating the heart center and cutting cords. This echoed a recent tarot reading where I, a Queen of Cups, got to the heart of the matter, per the very graphic 3 of Swords. I am also paying attention to my breathing lately, making sure I get enough oxygen into all of my cells.
I need all the encouragement I can get from people who understand me. I have spent too many years either on the defensive or feeling sorry for myself. I am dedicated to building a safety net. I can make ________ a success.
Pictures of a heavily pregnant celebrity reiterate my desire to not only be pregnant again but feel loved, safe and supported during and after. I didn't feel anything like love, safety or support going into that relationship. I am aiming higher.
I am always astounded by Belle's ability to ask and receive food from strangers, especially after I have already fed her. Belle ate a banana on our walk to church and promptly dirtied both my tee shirt and our ring sling. She ate another banana during mass, and by eating, I mean, we shared. Belle and I shared a single serving of crackers and a slice of ginger bread at a cafe after mass. I noted the Happy Meals and the bucket of KFC (and the yummy scent!) at the park and ignored it. Belle, on the other hand, approached the couple with the bucket of chicken and brought back a biscuit.