Friday, August 30, 2013

One week since

It has been one week since I officially cut the energetic cords linking me to an ex.  I am happily cleaning house.  I am rediscovering art, books and music I once loved.  A friend has offered us her extra passes for a recreational activity for Belle.  Another friend shared her extra food (and herbal tea and instant mocha!) with us.  The energy at home is different.  The light filters through differently.

Space clearing

I seriously committed to vacuuming this week.  I vacuumed daily, often several times daily.  I even replaced my broom with the "Bare Floor" feature.  Now this means Belle will tag the vacuum cleaner with her scribble, which I discovered this morning.  The vacuum is very attractive to Belle.  This beats her picking through the broom and licking the dust pan, both of which I find filthy and disgusting.

I moved both my rocker and Belle's rocker, my childhood rocker, into my room upstairs.  Moving the rockers allowed me to keep the extra love seat downstairs.  I also erected the book shelves downstairs.  With only three out of the eight wooden pegs that connect the shelves within reach, I substituted sawed off pencil pieces and a broken crayola for the rest.  The living and dining area finally looks and feels right.

I added the books on poetry, relationships and sex back into my room. Now I need to clean off the tops of the chest of drawers, dresser and bathroom counter.  Belle doesn't know what to make of my cleaning.  Sometimes she grabs a wash cloth and starts wiping the walls.  Sometimes she eats a crumbly muffin in a space I have just vacuumed.  We are cleaning house steadily though and enjoying it.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Toddler twerk

I showed Belle a twerking tutorial on Monday.  By Wednesday she was twerking the jukebox.  I thought I might die of cute.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013


I may have benefited had I been mentored by a series of older, family oriented and financially savvy adults after my grandmother died.  I would have avoided meeting toxic peers (and boyfriends) who battled or bullied me because I had a stable home and higher income.  I might have invested with an eye toward the future.  I would have certainly pursued my goals knowing I had someone rooting for me.

Young coffee drunk

I made myself a cup of coffee and Belle drank most of it.  I'd let her hold the mug while I sliced cheese.  I rescued the mug just in time .  Belle grabbed the empty mug and asked for more.  I made a second cup and gave her a shot glass.

Sunday, August 25, 2013


Belle and I had Ruthia over for coffee yesterday.  We'd spotted her while running errands and invited her in.  I served coffee in the Bombay Company coffee mugs and whole milk in the spare Royal Albert Lavender Rose creamer.  We shared the last roll with Belle because I didn't remember the berry strudel in the freezer until now.  Oops!

Friday, August 23, 2013


Tonight I found the jinx and I destroyed it.  I noticed the drawers of a nightstand where I keep my journals off track.  I spent the better part of an hour working feverishly to release these drawers.  Belle even offered help.  I finally stuck my hand under the bottom drawer and retrieved half a folder of poetry from the tracks.  When the drawers still wouldn't budge, I shined a light between them to reveal the other half of the folder and other papers.  I yanked the bottom drawer until I heard the snap that signaled its release.  I cleared the obstructed tracks, reset the drawers and organized my writing.

A white paper folded in half fell from one of the journals.  Surprisingly, it pertained to a psychic reading I had about an ex back in 2008.  The pink rose represented me and the blue rose represented him.  There were arrows linking the roses, me to him and him to me.  The roses and the arrows were likely colored in by me, per the prompting of the psychic to better facilitate the reading.  We'd been linked on paper for five whole years, despite being broken up all that time.  All the good (and bad) coming my way had to meet him first.  I'd ended things so abruptly back then that he probably still holds a grudge.  Needless to say, I burned the jink, adding red pepper and salt as it burned.  I smoked myself with it to clear myself of any residual energies.  I flushed the cooled ashes down the toilet.  I will not look back.

The jinx reading from Madame Nadia:  Stork, Scythe/Heart, Child/Clover, Mountain (enemy), Bouquet


I carry guilt and shame over being a trauma survivor and a beneficiary.  Survival is truly an emotional issue.  I survived because my family made sacrifices for me.  They even sacrificed their lives.  I took my time before I had Belle because I needed to heal.  Many people I came in contact with, including members of my own family, took major issue with me because I appeared to have it too easy.  I heard this enough times that I eventually felt ashamed of myself.  I felt I had no value.  I let myself be bullied.  I settled for people telling me I didn't matter, I didn't work, my home wasn't nice, etc.  It's amazing how much of an impact this made in my life.

I vacuumed today for the first time in six years.  Why did it take me so long to vacuum?  My maternal grandmother never vacuumed.  She cluttered our apartment, and later the apartment I inherited from my paternal grandmother, with so much stuff that we couldn't see the floor.  Things were rarely cleaned, if at all.  I never did chores because I didn't see any positive example set...and then she wondered why I didn't help out.  Needless to say, I am creating a routine with Belle.  Belle likes to run around after dinner.  I take that time to clean downstairs, do dishes, sweep, etc.  I don't like Cheerios stuck under my feet.  I don't like living in a filthy home.

My grandmothers thought I could live "happily ever after" in a junk filled apartment, living off a wrongful death settlement.  They thought I could be okay living away from family and friends, content without a career (despite being educated), mate or children, with money and material goods defining me.  I tried living life as taught to me by my well meaning grandmothers.  I discovered I deserve so much more.  Belle is teaching me this.  Belle is the so much more I need.  There is more coming.  I deserve happiness and peace.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Blue Moon

Belle and I honored the Blue Moon with spicy cauliflower saute over rice.  Cauliflower is associated with the Moon.  Of course Belle didn't eat any.  She handed me a package of vermicelli noodles and waited impatiently until I opened them.  Since I was already at the stove, I recovered most of the dry noodles from the floor and boiled them.  Belle happily ate cool, unsalted noodles while I ate my warmly spiced dinner.  When she proudly piled her bland noodles atop my food, I just mixed them in with mine before sneaking off to grab more seasoning.

Belle ate nearly an entire package of vermicelli noodles.  She handed me a jar of sweet potatoes to open for her afterwards.  My experiment worked!  I removed every jar of fruit from Belle's cabinet and replaced them with vegetables.  Belle seemed stumped a moment but still found something that looked appealing.  She handed me a jar of sweet potatoes and I handed her a spoon.  Belle uttered an "Mmm."  She had stopped eating vegetables when the fruit proved a distraction.  Last night she actually enjoyed eating a vegetable, which pleased me.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Late night

Belle didn't fall asleep until 1:45 am.  She'd had a late afternoon nap, many healthy fruit and cheese snacks and a warm bath.  I even changed the lighting in our room.  Nothing.  I guess that tooth that's coming is giving her more trouble than she can verbalize.

Belle gave me a scented massage with the solid perfume before she fell asleep.  She anointed me with this same perfume upon waking this morning.  That's an exceptional perk of motherhood, at least for me.  We truly need more cruelty free, organic and toddler friendly solid perfume.

Sunday, August 18, 2013


Belle and I walked down to the nursery to see the several hundred pound pumpkin.  A hunkering for coffee (and an open mind) led us into a doughnut shop along the way.  We were given two doughnut holes along with my coffee (self-serve, cream kept in a metal pitcher behind the counter and sugar dispensed from a re-purposed glass soft drink bottle with a hole drilled in the metal lid).  I only gave Belle half a doughnut hole because she'd already eaten berry strudel with breakfast.  She didn't seem to mind.  The smoothness of the coffee gave way to the usual caffeine and sugar high.

The pumpkin proved impressive, with giant green leaves and random cherry tomatoes growing near.  I ate two sun warmed tomatoes straight off the vine, mine and Belle's (Belle doesn't eat tomatoes just yet.).  I also picked a few apples from a tree.  Belle took a bite of an apple, noticed a cat and ran to pet him.  Belle petted the cat for a long while, pausing to get my reaction and my approval.  The cat also took turns looking at me.  I just sat back and watched, only intervening when it became clear the cat wanted to move on.  Belle finally accepted she couldn't chase the cat and had to leave with me.

We walked down to the ferry terminal.  With the barrels of wine from the adjacent winery in full view, and the sailboats drifting along the water, I felt quite abundant.  I realized, when the ferry full of passengers pulled in, that my figurative ship had come in.  A walk along the public shore revealed another sign, an anchor, a symbol I keep seeing in my Lenormand card readings.  I pulled an apple I'd just picked from the nursery out my pocket, prayed into it and left it at the anchor as an offering.

Friday, August 16, 2013

6 Miles

Belle and I walked six miles yesterday, with me wearing Belle for four of those miles.  I dared sit down after we came home, inspiring Belle to slap me.  I spent the rest of the evening sitting or standing upright with my eyes open.  At the end of the night, Belle, showing mercy, rubbed solid perfume between her hands and anointed my face and neck.

We made a round trip food run in three of those miles.  We brought home three bananas, ten pears, several new potatoes, four onions, one bunch of celery, two carrots, one pack of bacon, two pounds of donuts and berry strudel and four loaves of bread.  I froze half the strudel and two loaves of bread.  I put the rest in the bread bin for our immediate use.

We took a round trip nature walk with the last three miles.  I opted to push Belle in the bobby car rather than wear her.  Belle, suddenly sleepy, signed for milk until the rolling motion lured her to sleep.  She spent the rest of her afternoon nap in my arms once we reached the water and I could sit down with her.  Belle soon woke up and started being mischievous again.  We came home with torn flesh from playing in the wild blackberry patch.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013


Belle helped me scrub the bathroom floor yesterday.  She danced in the wash water and tried to drink it.  This was a natural soap cleaner, not harsh chemicals with heavy dyes and perfumes.  It was still gross.  Now I understand why people use warm water and vinegar solutions to clean house.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Fun Friday and Saturday

Belle and I accepted an invitation to a concert inside a private home last Friday evening.  I drank lots of wine and stained my dress.  Belle enjoyed the company of two other toddlers.  They played the piano.  We came home and crashed immediately because we were so tired from having so much fun.

We still rose early enough to make a coffee and food run this morning.  I left Belle playing with a five year old girl and her grandma while I shopped.  Belle found me just in time to chose her own bagels, which she tore into immediately.  Belle ate from two jam filled pastries and some cheese later on at home.

I have added sharp cheddar cheese back into Belle's diet.  She currently enjoys bread, cereal (dry or with milk), fruit and cheese.  I offer her oats, rice, assorted vegetables, beans, meat, fish and eggs, which are all eaten to a lesser extent.  I appreciated her efforts to eat frozen spinach and frozen orange juice, both straight from the freezer.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Food choices

Belle loved the banana chocolate chip muffins we brought home yesterday.  She also loves apple banana puree and banana puree.  Belle does not love fresh or frozen bananas, at least not in present moment.  Belle only cries for me to hand her a banana so she can throw it out for me.  If she doesn't like it, I shouldn't eat it. I mentioned this to an acquaintance, a woman over seventy who raised two boys.  She tried to pinpoint exactly why Belle doesn't eat bananas that look, smell and taste like bananas.  Who knows?

I related the story of how Belle ate four jars of fruit puree in one day before purposely spilling a jar of carrots onto the floor.  The woman suggested I add basil to flavor the carrots.  Great!  Belle probably realized carrots weren't fruit and treated them accordingly.  Basil wouldn't have solved anything in that moment.  Maybe Belle might like carrots tomorrow, with or without flavor enhancements.  She might like bananas too.  I am not forcing her to like or eating anything she doesn't want.


I never set out to achieve any dreams in my twenties because I had a sick grandmother to care for and a property to manage, complete with elderly tenant. Even when my grandmother died, and I suddenly had the freedom to do something, I had a property full of junk to manage. It didn't seem feasible to trek out of the city for grad school because, who would care for the property and the elderly tenant?

I kept myself numb by shopping in between frequent trips away from L.A. until I moved to Alameda. In Alameda, I learned how shameful it is to afford food, clothes and shelter without a "real" job. I had only done what the grandmothers had asked me to do, ie, accept the duplex, the junk and the wrongful death settlement.

I wanted a therapy practice and writing career. I wanted to be a spokesperson for causes close to my heart. I considered training to become a hypnotherapist at twenty, which my grandmother vetoed. She also scoffed at my writing, saying I wouldn't make any money or progress there. I buried those dreams under the property and the settlement. I have lived someone else's dreams for my entire adult life.

Can I achieve my dreams of a hypnotherapy/coaching practice and speaking/teaching/writing career with Belle in tow? Can I have an active, balanced, happy, healthy and wealthy life? I have never been able to realise any creative dream or goal because of the responsibility I had to my grandmothers. Now I want Belle to feel proud of me and be inspired by me. I want her needs met. That is my dream.

Latest Month


Saturday, August 3, 2013

Eat more veggies!

Yesterday Belle ate jars of applesauce, banana, apple banana and apple blueberry.  She spilled the carrots onto the floor and painted the wall with sweet peas and creamed spinach.  I made myself an egg scramble with two eggs, mixed vegetables from a can and the sweet peas and creamed spinach I rescued from Belle's grasp.  That sure was tasty over rice!

Friday, August 2, 2013

Tot beauty

I may need more solid perfume for Belle.  She loves indulging in it.  This one is made by Temple Essences.  I pray it's made ethically and as organically as possible.  If not, does a good smelling, green solid fragrance exist?  Belle is a total girl when she isn't eating sand.

I loved my Fresh 'n Fancy cosmetics kit as a child.  Too bad I never took Chemistry.  My math and science classes were always the most challenging, except for two inspiring teachers.  I just never got that far.  Belle could really use some healthy, toddler friendly beauty stuff.  I wish I knew the science of it.

Thursday, August 1, 2013


Belle signed "eating" before motioning to be let down from my bed to the floor.  She disappeared into the hall as I disappeared into the bathroom.  The familiar sound of a cabinet opening let me know Belle had gone downstairs.  Belle soon returned with a jar of an apple and blueberry puree.  She shook the jar to get me to unscrew the lid, which I did.  Belle drank the fruit straight from the jar.  She handed me the empty jar and went back downstairs.  Belle made four baby food runs, slurping nearly twelve ounces of fruit in total.  I vetoed the fourth jar and let Belle burn those three jars off in the park.

Belle's cabinet holds many jars of commercially produced purees.  I have  mixed the jars around so Belle will get a vegetable sometimes.  I have also made the toddler meals more visible.  Tonight I blended half a jar of sweet peas and creamed spinach with two large eggs, sea salt and nutmeg and made a lovely dinner that Belle wouldn't eat.  Belle isn't crazy about eggs just yet.  She did eat some potato before asking to be let down onto a floor littered with dry cereal.  We probably ate half a box of dry cereal tonight, along with a small bag of grapes.  Where is Belle storing all this food she is suddenly eating?