Thursday, February 27, 2014

Focus focus focus

I searched for Asperger's Syndrome on Blog Talk Radio and found a podcast made by a local hypnotherapist.  A visit to her website revealed many images of one of my favorite artists, and a focus to her practice that is identical to what I have in mind.  Holy hell!

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

I am perfect.

On second thought...

I am perfection after all.

Le artist!

Yesterday I strapped Belle to my back in the Ergo and trekked out to Target.  We bought washable, fruit scented finger paint and plenty of paper to color and paint on.  These finger paints were on a clearance sale, eight colors under five dollars (Crayola wanted about the same money for four colors, each tube of which equaled two squeeze bottles of the brand we bought.  I just wanted more colors.).  We came home and painted thirteen pictures with our palms.  Belle has taken over both her own crayolas, my colored pencils and all forms of chalk.  She wants my oil based pastels and water colors too, not to mention my old makeup artist's kit.  It's a battle!

Sunday, February 23, 2014


Dinner guest and I are through.  We had a marvelous Valentine's Day and a glorious morning after.  While we kept in touch in the week that followed, I noticed we didn't see each other.  This was a jerky move after all the fuss that went into our romantic Valentine's evening.  Last night I finally got my confirmation that we are done.  He says he can't reciprocate my feelings.  He says his biker friends wouldn't understand (Why?  I am older than he is?  Black?  A mom?  Would they accept me wearing lululemon and riding a bicycle with a yoga mat tucked under my arm?  Would he?).  He says we wouldn't last.

I fell hard for a man with Asperger's.  I accepted my friend with Asperger's.  I stopped seeing his quirks after a while and accepted him completely.  Then we became lovers.  I don't want to just be friends again.  I don't want things to go back as they were before.  I don't want him to be sorry.  I want to keep growing as we were.  I liked our dynamic.  I liked loving him.  Now all I have from him are a few rolls of toilet paper from a jumbo pack he brought back from a Costco trip.  I will think of him fondly when I wipe my ass.

Can I get a Costco membership?

Saturday, February 22, 2014


I am a little envious of the young woman who bought the house next door.  She appears roughly the same age I was when I bought my home in 2007.  The major difference is the heavy presence of peer support in her life, versus the absence of peer support in mine.  I didn't have a whole lot of people on board when I decided to sell my duplex in Los Angeles and buy a single family home in Alameda, nearly four hundred miles away.  The concept seemed outrageous, in fact!  Single minority women just didn't do that.  It only got worse when I settled in here.  I live on the "poor" side of the island.  Many blacks on this side just get by on government assistance.  Many blacks I met here assumed I served as a domestic to a family living in this house.  Other minorities assumed I was either a boarder renting a room or a resident living in a program.  When I told the truth, it was always assumed I had done some dishonest deed to get here.  Discouraged, I eventually lost my confidence and my faith.  Someone suggested I lie and tell people I am just a renter, which is not me honoring the life I am creating for myself here.  Thankfully, I am no longer meeting many of the people who challenged my position now that I have a family.  I lost valuable time associating with the wrong peer group.  I wonder what hidden things were happening in the lives of those people who didn't like or trust me enough to let me know I didn't belong here too.

Potty Success

Belle is officially potty trained.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Takes The Cake

My mother would be sixty-four today.  Belle and I ate an entire cake between yesterday and today in celebration.  We even ate the slice I'd left on the altar as an offering.  I have now learned how to enjoy food in the moment.  Food either spoils or attracts ants otherwise.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Start a hub.

I have started a hub (profile on HubPages).  I haven't written any content, nor have I added a photo or a profile.  The account is up!  Let's see if I can generate a passive income in a fraction of the site's suggested time.

I missed a deadline for a scholarship application for an online business course.  At least now I am clear on the exact focus of the business in my rush to miss this deadline.    Let's see what I can manifest anyway.

Monday, February 17, 2014


The lily in bloom in the Valentine's bouquet is more fragrant than the roses.  I see another bud slowly opening, with two more waiting.  Earlier I cried happy tears over dinner guest.  I feel like that lily in bloom.


I made the best move when I left Los Angeles for Alameda.  Unfortunately, I connected with a slew of angry, fearful, frustrated men who lacked confidence, drive or inspiration once I got here.  These men wanted to bask in my vibration without rising up to meet me at my level.  Rather than change, a couple of the men asked me to leave the island.  Now I find where this is a professional asset, not a curse.  I am not being asked to leave my home of choice.  I am being asked to help trigger a healing transformation in men who ask for it.  That's my niche coaching market!  I dated the types of men I most needed to serve professionally as a [platonic] hypnotherapist, image consultant and life coach.  When my personal or professional needs weren't met, I became indulgent and abused my power.


I believe I have found the niche market for my online business.  I am also aware of the causes I aim to devote myself to in my downtime.  That only took thirty-seven plus years to discover!

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Happy Valentine!

Dinner guest came bearing flowers, red wine and a wrist stamp from an event he'd attended earlier in the evening.  Belle stayed wide awake, yet surprisingly calm, a stark contrast from the cartwheels she'd been turning all night.  We curled up on the couch, sipped wine and talked Belle to sleep.  This morning we shared the last of the French roast coffee with coconut milk.  I had a most excellent Valentine's Day.

Friday, February 14, 2014


It's Valentine's Day and I am about to warm up leftovers with Belle.  Heart-shaped cake baking pans and heart decorated dessert plates with coordinating bowls and mugs are going unused again this year (Freecycle?)  Dinner guest seems distant this holiday.  No, I do not want discounted chocolate tomorrow.  I want the sentiment today.  If you didn't feel urged to procure these on your own, don't do it now.  Yes, this is a catch 22!


Thursday, February 13, 2014

My personal brand

  • Hypnotherapy
  • Image consulting
  • Intuitive life coaching

I miss living social.

I miss having my hair, nails and makeup done.  I miss dressing up.  I miss going out.  Perhaps I could host a party, no matter how small.  I need to break up this monotony.  I feel like I am going insane.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014


Virtual hypnosis?


I showed Belle a picture of our regular dinner guest and she kissed the screen.  I didn't expect that response.  I did want her to be accepting, especially since my sanity these nights hinges upon that vital release I get from...dessert.  Belle appears to approve.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Biz planning

Business planning with my chart in mind:  I am meant to explore the psyche (hypnotherapy, life coaching, tarot and writing, all things related to Sun, Mercury and Venus in my natal Seventh house and Mars in my Eighth house) while still allowing freedom to play and expand (Sagittarius Ascendant and Jupiter in my Fifth house).

I simply must commit to riding my bicycle and starting yoga this year.  I might even consider doing makeup again.  Belle keeps finding my train cases and bringing me colored pencils.  I love color.  There wasn't any money for me in the beauty industry when I tried working as a makeup artist ten years ago.   I didn't have any mentors or support.  I felt so discouraged that I gave it up.

I am a highly creative and artistic type.  I aim to coach and facilitate hypnosis sessions for actors, artists, athletes, children, performers, speakers and writers.  I am open to hosting group sessions, workshops and other gatherings where I can reach a wider audience, preferably without the influence of alcohol or even caffeine.  I have also seen guided meditation and yoga paired together.  That sounds interesting.

There is a big need for freedom and play in my chart (Jupiter in Fifth house).  I suffer when freedom and play are denied.  I have given birth to one child.  I feel I will write at least one book.  Ultimately, I must tap into my creativity and be self-expressive.  Right now it helps to feel love for self, Belle and for dinner guest.  This all helps me focus.  The creative arts, children (Belle), love, pleasure, amusement, parties and being social are all key to me.  Also, speaking, teaching and writing.

Weekly Pull

Healing with the Fairies

Stand Your Ground, Laughter, Make Music


Daily goals
Weekly goals
Six month to one year goals
Lifetime goals

Monday, February 10, 2014


I chatted up Sexy Engineer on Saturday.  "Tell me about your life, " he commanded.  I didn't gush about my regular dinner guest because, well, how can I put that into words?  I mentioned the house guest arriving that evening with a dog instead.  Sexy Engineer's interest in the dog almost inspired me to invite him over to meet my guests.  I had to turn my attention elsewhere before I could say anything.  I did find out from him that he doesn't have a Facebook profile.  How is that possible?  Sexy guy, just not for me!  I am giving up that dream.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Tiny chef

Belle helped me cook Italian salmon wraps on Friday night, salmon burger patties, mashed sweet potatoes and sauteed collard greens last night and spaghetti with a homemade mushroom and tomato sauce tonight.  Belle helped me cook by sprinkling in seasonings and stirring the pots.  She loved it enough to shove me out of the way and take over the stove almost completely.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Friday night dinner

We made "Italian Salmon Wraps" last night, adapted from the Oriental Chicken Wraps recipe I found on a can of Del Monte green beans.  I simmered a can of French style green beans with a can of peas, a sliced red onion and whole black peppercorns until the onion cooked.  I drained the vegetables and stirred in a large can of flaked, wild caught red salmon and fresh dill.  In a larger pan, I simmered leftover white rice in tomato sauce with freshly picked basil and oregano.  I added the salmon and vegetables to the rice in tomato sauce, spooned it into tortillas and had a delicious meal.  Belle, on the other hand, did all that cooking and merely nibbled a tortilla.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014


I made a list of as many activities and interests I had in my childhood and teen years after listening to a podcast on life purpose.  I found a couple things I enjoyed with my parents (baking with my mom and working out with my dad) that ended with their violent deaths.  My grandmother blasted everything else I loved:  the beauty industry, the entertainment industry, the fashion industry, hypnotherapy, reading and writing, not to mention my body, my connection to my extended family, my education, my feelings and my likelihood of marriage and family as an adult.  She vetoed everything without ever steering me toward, or even suggesting, anything else.  That created a very shaky foundation for adult success.

I also asked myself what kind of a person I am.  I remember my grandmother and my great aunt saying, "But you're not a 'gentle treasure,'" after asking for a cheap toy with those words printed on it.  I remember reading a novel called Garden of Lies, which inspired my grandmother to accuse me of being a liar.  I remember proudly sharing my own made up stories with my other grandmother, only to be warned against lying.  I remember my grandmother always conveniently having "high blood pressure" whenever I asserted or advocated for myself.  I remember being blasted for earning an expensive education and for taking time for self-care.  I remember hiding in the bathroom to exercise and wearing girdles around the house so my grandmother couldn't "pinch an inch."  I remember being warned as a very young girl never to try alcohol or gambling because I would never stop if I ever started.  I remember my grandmother being pleased with herself for breaking me.

I remember evenings spent drinking stale, over steeped tea while listening to jazz or world music.  I remember reading and writing by flashlight.  I remember shining in my fiction and poetry writing workshops, and keeping that all secret.  I remember iced tea and fruit tarts and French baguette with Brie with the girls.  I remember stealing kisses with young men I never saw again.  I remember wearing garter belts and stockings to school.  I remember taking many, many bus trips to the beach, the mall and the movies.  I remember using a pay phone to check in at home.  I remember having a secret life that I no longer consciously remember.

In Alameda before Belle, I was called greedy, entitled, selfish, suspicious, distrustful, conceited, lazy, insecure, unstable and ostentatious because I had moved to a new town alone and could take care of myself.  I could walk into a room well dressed, with my hair and makeup done, and hear someone ask me to take it all off or leave.   I could clear a room by walking in.  I could accept an invitation and be later asked not to bother even showing up, lest I be thrown out.  I have practically been bullied out of here as an adult, by other adults.  As a sad result, I have stopped allowing things to manifest.  I have stopped being carefree and confident.  I have swapped faith with fear.  I have never felt so shaken.  Who am I?  What am I most passionate about?  How can I make a significant contribution while being accepted as my authentic self, when that authentic self likes eating, living indoors and wearing finer fabrics ?

Monday, February 3, 2014

Weekly Pull

Healing With The Fairies, What is the tone of this coming week?

Making New Friends, Parents and Children, Follow Your Dreams

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Ergo Baby Carrier

Yesterday's food run yielded fifteen pounds of grits, twelve delicious strawberry-apple juice boxes and an Ergo baby carrier.  Belle had fallen asleep in the wrap on the walk home when a Passat stopped in front of us.  The woman driving asked if she could drop a baby carrier off for us.  I quickly gave her the address and soldiered on.  Several minutes later, she met us at home with a freshly laundered Ergo, exactly what we needed!

I secured Belle into it right away and watched her fall fast asleep.  Later on I undid the straps while watching a video on how to wear a side hip carry.  I couldn't put the Ergo back together using anything online as a model because there are many different models and not enough images of an empty Ergo from behind.  I began to unravel emotionally immediately, especially when Belle became a clinging vine.  I eventually put the Ergo back together nearly twenty-four hours later, where Belle is sleeping now.