Scrolling through photos of a friend's housewarming party reminded me I never officially warmed my house. I never even sent out the new address cards I had printed up. Honestly, I didn't have anyone to really celebrate my move with. I just had people pissed off, casting judgement and being weird. Similarly, as I scroll through photos of baby showers, birth announcements, etc, I face the sad reality that I had Belle without the support a new mom should have. Again, I had [the system] pissed off, casting judgement and being weird.
I attribute this lack of outward, demonstrative love to my father's selfish act. He took away my support system when he killed my mom and then himself. My grandmothers were left to serve as mothers, a generation removed. They were both so deep in their own heartache that they couldn't promote a happy life with a healthy marriage and children as anything I could ever look forward to. Even good friends and a successful career weren't anything my grandmothers condoned as possibilities for me.
I am challenging myself to create that happy, healthy marriage, home and family life my parents and grandparents always warned me I couldn't, shouldn't or wouldn't have. They all showed me how unhappy they were through their unplanned pregnancies, divorces and murder/suicide. I keep on fighting and muddling through despite them basically rubbing my nose in their shit. It hurts that the people most meant to care for, love and nurture a child never saw me into adulthood. Even more hurtful is how the family and friends of my parents and grandparents just backed off aand faded away. I guess someone out there thought I could handle being twenty-two and completely alone, like that family part of my life was finished and I didn't need it anymore.