Survivor

I carry guilt and shame over being a trauma survivor and a beneficiary.  Survival is truly an emotional issue.  I survived because my family made sacrifices for me.  They even sacrificed their lives.  I took my time before I had Belle because I needed to heal.  Many people I came in contact with, including members of my own family, took major issue with me because I appeared to have it too easy.  I heard this enough times that I eventually felt ashamed of myself.  I felt I had no value.  I let myself be bullied.  I settled for people telling me I didn't matter, I didn't work, my home wasn't nice, etc.  It's amazing how much of an impact this made in my life.

I vacuumed today for the first time in six years.  Why did it take me so long to vacuum?  My maternal grandmother never vacuumed.  She cluttered our apartment, and later the apartment I inherited from my paternal grandmother, with so much stuff that we couldn't see the floor.  Things were rarely cleaned, if at all.  I never did chores because I didn't see any positive example set...and then she wondered why I didn't help out.  Needless to say, I am creating a routine with Belle.  Belle likes to run around after dinner.  I take that time to clean downstairs, do dishes, sweep, etc.  I don't like Cheerios stuck under my feet.  I don't like living in a filthy home.

My grandmothers thought I could live "happily ever after" in a junk filled apartment, living off a wrongful death settlement.  They thought I could be okay living away from family and friends, content without a career (despite being educated), mate or children, with money and material goods defining me.  I tried living life as taught to me by my well meaning grandmothers.  I discovered I deserve so much more.  Belle is teaching me this.  Belle is the so much more I need.  There is more coming.  I deserve happiness and peace.